Sunday, August 22, 2010

Giving The Cat A Bath

A couple of you commented yesterday about giving the cat a bath and I know some of you have seen this, but I suspect giving her a bath might be similar to, if not worse than giving her a pill as described below. This gave me a big laugh.


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the dang cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

I have this in my email complete with appropriate pictures - email me if you'd like to have it (I'll keep your address private).

Have a great day and thanks for stopping by.



  1. Ok, this is seriously funny. And the fact that it goes on and on and on is halarious. Love the dog/bacon ending. I would love this via email.

  2. That is awesome. I am sitting alone and laughing at my computer. Well done. My dogs are so good now I just throw it down their throat. We have barn cats but they are pretty much on their own!

  3. Too funny Larry! Loved the dog bath day too. Our dog does the same thing. I think they are trying to make themselves dirty again and would be in the dirt if they had the chance.

  4. Oh how funny, Larry... It really shows the differences in cats and dogs, doesn't it?????? ha ha

    Have a great Sunday...

  5. I loved throwing the bacon in the air bit - so very true. :)

  6. so funny-I've recieved this email before and I always laugh. It reminds me of a tom cat we used to have.

  7. So true Larry. Cats and dogs are so different. You've started my day off right. You know they say if you've never tasted soap, then you've never given a dog a bath.


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